Monday, February 2, 2009

Tool Academy's Final 5

So not long after the Steelers' Santonio Holmes caught that last-minute Super Bowl-winning TD and ended the Arizona Cardinals miracle run, Phoenix' own M.E.G.A. got the bizzouuut from the Tool Academy. What a tough turn of events for the Copper State. The remaining tools thought M.E.G.A. and his girl were two platonic friends straight hustlin' for the cash, which is pretty awesome on several levels. But M.E.G.A. is now ghosted just like the Cards, which leaves a pretty strong remaining five Tools left.

I've really come to appreciate these dudes, and think they make a strong, entertaining cast. With I Love Money 2 returning tonight (more on that later), Rock of Love Bus finally getting interesting and Tool Academy in its final stretch, VH1 is king of trash TV once again. The tale of the Tool Tape on the remaining 5 tools:

Turkey Hair Shawn - Clearly the alpha tool with the hottest girl (despite nipples that point in different directions), he's my pick to win the competition. But the 2003 haircut needs to go, and shit, he could use the scissors he has inked on his abs to cut it down. He's showing emotional growth (kinda), he's good for TV (def), and the love story is legit, even if he did originally show up with another bird. Needs to stop saying "bro" so much, but I like this dude. I mean, he designs underwear for a living. A+.

Tiny Tool Josh - He might be getting too considerate and emo for the Academy. Genuinely loves his momma, and he's the only Tool from New Jersey, as it turns out. If he were a Devils fan, we'd hang (as long as the hair is down and not blown out). Could be the next to go, though.

Matsuflex- Confused the shit out of me at first, and the tribal tats, Slim Jim hair and drunken blow-ups are an abortion, but there's more to this dude than he's letting on. I dunno, his game is so outrageous I think he could be a fraud. And we still need an explanation on this god damn name. I think I appreciate him more than I should, I dunno.

Meathead Rob - Laying in the weeds, along for the ride, this guy. Just waiting for a fight, just waiting to not put on a pink shirt, just waiting for his girl to move in with him. Unsure how much is brewing up there, but he's coming off pretty harmless lately. His "Good job, Matsuflex" line while chugging a beer in the premiere is still my favorite moment of the series.

Sporty Tommy - Hopefully the next to bounce, leaving the other legit four to duke it out. Reminds me a lot of typical Boston tools, and might be too good -- or just normal, basic, boring -- for this show.

Shout out to D-Listed, who recently asked: How many Tool Academy douchebags would you hit?

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