Carolina church: Tom Brady is going to Hell

... and not just because my Winter Boyfriend (see you in the spring, Jacoby, mwwwa) probably thinks of me when not banging Giselle and throwing a billion TDs against hapless teams from Tennessee (Dismember the Titans?). No, a Carolina church says Alpha-Male Brady will burn eternal because of his playboy lifestyle. Check the Gospel from NESN.com, which relays the word from the since-crashed website of Amazing Grace Baptist Church down there in the wacky-assed South:

"Tom Brady has an unwed child, but it's okay because he wins Super Bowls. Tom Brady is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don't marry and do the right thing, don't take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it's okay because of who I am. How many of you dad's cheer on Tom in the Super Bowl while your kids are watching?"

Hey, I don't cheer, I rub one out. Big difference. And folks, always remember one simple rule about Brady worship: