Daisy MADE A LIST... bitch came correct for the finale, she's fighting for her man. And with that, the Rangers score early in the 3rd to tie the game at 3. I missed this live. Better off.
So just as Daisy starts questioning shit and whips out a list, the Rangers start to pepper Brodeur, who stands on his head to preserve the sudden 3-3 tie. How I’m going to keep up with both unfolding dramas, I have no idea. Nevermind the Habs-Bs game at the Garden or Yanks-Sox from Fenway. Thank God there are no girls here. (Or maybe this is why there are no girls here.)
Fuck it, I’m selling out and starting a running diary… running blog? I dunno. Let’s see how this shakes out.
9: 15pm: Brian Gionta still sucks. This guy plummeted in two years huh? Pat Verbeek should get his record back. No one has been more affected by Scott Gomez’ departure than Gionta. I’m waiting for him to deflect a Gomez shot past Marty, just on instinct. Meanwhile, Daisy doing what Gionta can’t – getting offensive on Ambre, who fires back “Surgery can make me hotter, but surgery won’t make her smarter.” She mumbled this as she pulled up to the Ferullo soccer fields in North Woburn. 3-3 tie in hockey, anyone’s game on Rock of Love.
9:22 pm: Rock of Love goes to commercial break, so I have 90 seconds of uninterrupted Devils hockey. Nine minutes left in regulation, and we have the offensive prowess of an underwear-less Ambre. But we’re gonna get a Devils goal soon. I call Langenbrunner, but I doubt he scores before Brett Michaels does.
9:24 pm: Commercial breaks for both channels. On VH1, we get an Ashton Kushner movie trailer, while Versus slings GK Elite sportsear. Ok. Haha here’s an ad for Poison at the Pavilion this summer!!!! Fucking Dokken is on this bill. Was Ratt unavailable?Ugh. Beer sales at the Pavilion will be through the roof during Dokken's set.
9:26 pm: Eight minutes to go in regulation. We can dodge a potentially devastating Game 3 with a sneaky win if someone steps up. On Channel 43, Bret and Ambre are eating by the beach, looking as hot as my parents in the Heritage Springs old people playground. Snooze. Devils have slowed this game to a crawl, maybe they forgot there are no shootouts in the post season.
9:27pm: Ambre says she’s not like Daisy. Let’s see if Gionta stops acting like Gionta and scores a fucking goal here.
9:29pm: The Devils power play is as firm as Michaels’ hairline. Mother-daughter conversation going down in the hotel between Daisy and Ambre, but just 4 minutes to go in NYC...
9:33pm.: Bret gives Ambre a necklace, which is symbolical of the shit he’s about to do to her. He puts it on her as just Brodeur gets ran by the Rags. BRODEUR IS UNDER SIEGE. Jesus Christ if Scott Stevens was still playing, this shit would not be tolerated. And you bet your Gary Bettman bobblehead that Lou Lams will ensure those Sean Avery antics, where he waves his hand to blind the goalie, will be outlawed by morning. Unsportsmanlike conduct for the most non-Darcy Tucker bush league play in NHL historu. Stay classy, Rangers. We may not be tough anymore, but we won't be rattled. (I'd be nice if Colin White stepped up, though, I ain't gonna lie. Can we protect our G? Please?)
9:36pm: Bret scores with Ambre. 2:17 left in MSG.
9:39pm : Devs-Rags going to overtime, still waiting for RoL to shift into overdrive. And then it does!!! Daisy offers us this latest Daisyism: “Just because I’m not 500 years old like Ambre doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want have a clue what I want know what I want.” Or something like that; I was distracted by her wrists.
9:50pm: Daisy gets on a boat. Bruins-Habs into overtime.
9:52pm: Daisy pukes off the boat. Bret finds it hot. Tim Thomas swipes the puck and makes a glove save with 14;37 left in their own OT. It’s no holds barred here in the lonely Barrows Bedroom.
9:56pm: We learn Daisy doesn’t have a white picket fence, Devs-Rags back in session.
9:58pm: Gionta hits the post. Argh.
9:59pm: MSG is playing Bush’s “Machinehead,” the Devils buzzing around the net with a strong chance by Patrik Elias, and Zach Parise is down after getting high-sticked. If only we still had Jeff Friesen, this game would be ours.
10:02pm: My head is going to explode.
10:05pm: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOAL DEVILS!!!!!! MADDEN ON A BANK SHOT. The Devils are alive!!!! Woo!!! Now, let’s see if Daisy can use her rimshot to seal her own win. Let’s go for the Vanya gold! 10:07pm: ...Ok, back to RoL. Oooh we’re gonna need an Ambre MONTAGE!!! We’re gonna need a montage!! Team Ambre, fuck yeah! (Devils won!!!)
10:09pm: Haha’s at Daisy waving to the help at the hotel.
10:16pm: I dazed off in the haze of Devils victory glory when the SECOND Poison concert commercial snapped my focus back into shape.
10:18pm: Haha, Daisy said Ambre is 80 years old. Now Daisy is staring at her wrists again. I can’t believe anyone is still reading this. If only there was a fucking Suede webcast I could corner the market on writing about shit no one cares about.
10:19 pm: Ok… ELIMINATION TIME. Bret looking good, wearing the earth toned satin suit. He gets into it, says he loves them both, how they both rule, but not as hard as John Madden for being a true New Jersey Devil.
10:21pm: Here we go, kids, this is it, true love revealed!! Not a dry eye in the house… and we have commercial break.
10:26pm: “Toughest decision (Bret’s) ever made in his life”… and Daisy, the tour ends here... OH SNAP... awwwww poor thing. God dammit. I knew Ambre would win this. Ugh. Looks like Brett needs a chauffeur, not plastic swimmies, for his kids. I feel for Daisy, she really came alive in this finale, and it was great hearing her attack Ambre's 1912 birthday. Every rose has its porn, Daisy. I still <3 you. As does Charles. And CC DeVille, prolly. Just stop crying into your wrists. Please.
10:28pm: “Ambre you are my rock of love.” Ok. I’m spent. Now, I find it hard to believe Bret won’t tag Daisy again. But whatever, we’ll see if these two wacky 40-sumthins can get have a family or whatever it is they’re off to do. Suddenly, it's awkward. I’m sure Ambre already has the minivan warming up in the driveway.
10:30pm: ...ahhhhh Heather and Daisy throw down next week on the reunion. Jesus H. LEAVE DAISY ALONE!! I’m going for a walk outside. I need an emergency Tedeschi run after all this drama. Maybe even Reef Café. Or a life. Definitely need a life. Go Devils!
Just when I start thinking "If I was single, maybe for a million dollars I would let Bret Michaels take a Viagra and bone me" he goes and puts on that fucking MC Hammer suit WITH bandana and looks about 5'4" and I have to call it a no.
ReplyDeletePix, this was merely a ploy to get you to read about the Devils.
ReplyDelete