2007 NHL Draft: Porn Star or Frat Boy

The other night I started to study over NHL drafts dating back to 1988. I skipped around a bit, and focused on the two best drafts, possibly, of all-time: the famed ’90 draft (with Martin Brodeur, Jaromir Jagr highlighting a deep first round and several significant late picks) and the Everyone-in Attendance-Gets-a-Great-Player-But-the-Rangers Draft of 2003 (the depth overrides any one mention, except for Zach Jesus Christ Parise at 16, of course.)

After a while, I eventually stumbled across the most recent draft, and noticed something peculiar about the selections that day in Columbus – their ridiculous names. I don’t know why it never dawned on me. I don’t know why this became evident now, and not when I was wasting hours reading through the Hockey News draft guide, and then watching the fucking draft on television.

But almost half of the 30 picks on that surely-sunny June day in Ohio’s fine capital can fit into one of two distinct categories: porn star or frat boy. From their names alone, we determine that if they weren’t hockey players, would they be laying pipe with Mindy Main out in Van Nuys, or are they doing a keg stand at the cornbread frat house down University Way? Finally, we settle this.

Round 1:
Pick 2, Philadelphia: James Van Reimsdyk – porn star, armed already with an offensive surname.

Pick 3, Phoenix: Kyle Turris – frat boy, though some porn stars might contract a bad case of turris. Sounds itchy.

Pick 4, Los Angeles: Thomas Hickey – porn star, naturally.

Pick 9, San Jose: Logan Couture – porn star, though argyles are involved.

Pick 10, Florida: Keaton Ellerby – frat boy, and lives right here in Massachusetts.

Pick 12, Montreal: Ryan McDonagh – frat boy, chapter president

Pick 14, Colorado: Kevin Shattenkirk – porn star, from Germany, though would benefit from cooler first name, like Henrik or Johan.

Pick 16, Minnesota: Colton Gillies – both

Pick 19, Anaheim: Logan MacMillian – frat boy, and astonishingly not even the first “Logan” taken in this draft. Boston’s airport nomenclature has finally caught on, thanks to the several couples’ first decision in the asinine parenting epidemic of 1989.

Pick 20, Pittsburgh: Angelo Esposito – porn star, with greasy hair and toothpick to match.

Pick 21, Edmonton: Riley Nash – porn star, a redheaded firecracker specializing in reverse cowgirl. C’mon admit it, Riley Nash sounds hot.

Pick 22, Montreal: Max Pacioretti – porn star, because “Max” was his first pet’s name, and Pacioretti Road is the fucking street he grew up on in the suburbs.

So there we have it, porn takes the rare public victory straight to the hole, winning 8-5, a score reminiscent of the NHL’s good old days, before the Devils came along ruined everything.