
After a while, I eventually stumbled across the most recent draft, and noticed something peculiar about the selections that day in Columbus – their ridiculous names. I don’t know why it never dawned on me. I don’t know why this became evident now, and not when I was wasting hours reading through the Hockey News draft guide, and then watching the fucking draft on television.

Round 1:
Pick 2, Philadelphia: James Van Reimsdyk – porn star, armed already with an offensive surname.
Pick 3, Phoenix: Kyle Turris – frat boy, though some porn stars might contract a bad case of turris. Sounds itchy.
Pick 4, Los Angeles: Thomas Hickey – porn star, naturally.
Pick 9, San Jose: Logan Couture – porn star, though argyles are involved.
Pick 10, Florida: Keaton Ellerby – frat boy, and lives right here in Massachusetts.
Pick 12, Montreal: Ryan McDonagh – frat boy, chapter president
Pick 14, Colorado: Kevin Shattenkirk – porn star, from Germany, though would benefit from cooler first name, like Henrik or Johan.
Pick 16, Minnesota: Colton Gillies – both
Pick 19, Anaheim: Logan MacMillian – frat boy, and astonishingly not even the first “Logan” taken in this draft. Boston’s airport nomenclature has finally caught on, thanks to the several couples’ first decision in the asinine parenting epidemic of 1989.
Pick 20, Pittsburgh: Angelo Esposito – porn star, with greasy hair and toothpick to match.
Pick 21, Edmonton: Riley Nash – porn star, a redheaded firecracker specializing in reverse cowgirl. C’mon admit it, Riley Nash sounds hot.
Pick 22, Montreal: Max Pacioretti – porn star, because “Max” was his first pet’s name, and Pacioretti Road is the fucking street he grew up on in the suburbs.
So there we have it, porn takes the rare public victory straight to the hole, winning 8-5, a score reminiscent of the NHL’s good old days, before the Devils came along ruined everything.
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